I feel like my family is in complete meltdown and being torn apart in front of my eyes and  I feel like I am completely failing as a parent...

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I feel like my family is in complete meltdown and being torn apart in front of my eyes and I feel like I am completely failing as a parent.

What am I doing wrong??

There isn't a single day that goes by without there being tears/arguments/meltdowns/tantrums/fighting, and on many days, some of those tears belong to me.

No matter what I do, it doesn't seem to be good enough, and I'm not sure how much longer we can carry on like this.

On a daily basis I have CJ throwing tantrums, slamming doors, fighting with her siblings, answering me back and becoming tearful.  The only reason behind it is that she doesn't get what she wants every second of every day.  
She is constantly telling me that she would rather be in someone else's house, and that this house is boring.  
That we never do enough with them.  
We don't go out enough.  
We don't do the same things as everything else.  
What am I supposed to do?  I know she is feeling left out and noticing that we are not an ordinary family, but I don't know how to make things better for her.

I then have the normal day to day battles with Boo that will never change.  From the minute he gets up, until the minute he settles to sleep,  it never stops.  Meltdowns, aggression, hyperactivity, frustration, problems eating, problems sleeping, problems communicating ...... the list goes on and on.

Add to that a 4 year old who seems set to send me to an early grave.  Everything has to be done by mummy, and mummy is always the one that she acts up for.  Crying, shouting, pretending to be a baby.  Bedtimes are the worst.  She refuses to settle for me, but refuses to let anyone else to take her to bed.  Once she does settle to bed, 9 times out of 10, she will wake up in the middle of the night, crying and screaming, and nothing you say or do will calm her down.  It can take a good couple of hours to settle her back, and then there's no guarantee that she wont wake up and do exactly the same thing an hour or so later.

On top of that, I am trying to care for a 7 month old baby, feeding, changing, playing, all the usual baby things that should be a joy.  Trouble is, I'm normally too exhausted to enjoy them.  
Even the night feeds, which on there own wouldn't normally be a problem, but when Roo is also waking up screaming, it becomes a living nightmare.

I also feel as though I must be failing as a wife.  
Poor Daddy D has to suffer me being tired and miserable, snapping all of the time and looking, and feeling, haggard.  
He tries to help as much as he can, but how much can he really be expected to do, especially when works all of the hours possible to keep us going financially, and has recently been told that he has acute tendinitis on both of his achilles tendons. This has caused him to have to take some time out of work and he will require physiotherapy, and possibly surgery.
He is supposed to be resting, but how can he get any rest in a house like this?
I'm trying my best to keep everything together, but most days I am too exhausted to even get the basic housework done.
Our relationship is suffering.

I am stretched to the limit both physically and emotionally and I am tired, very, very tired.

One of the worst things is that I am starting to forget who I used to be.  I used to be happy and smiley, and now I am always stressed and unhappy.  Worrying about what the next day has in store for me.  Will I make it through it?  I feel as though I am being swallowed up by the problems that our family is suffering through at the moment, and I am starting to wonder if I will ever be the same again?

I always wanted children, and now that I have them, I am struggling to cope.  
I only ever wanted to be a good mummy.  For my children to feel loved and happy, but instead I am starting to feel like I must be doing something horribly wrong.  
I must be failing them somewhere.  
Who else is there to blame?
Some days I even wonder if they would be better off without me as their mummy.  

How awful is that!!

It makes me cringe to put that out there.  
I have never shared that with anyone else before.

I know that people may judge me because of this post, and some may think I am an awful person for feeling such things.

Who knows, maybe I am an awful person.  
But even if only one other person reads this, and can relate to how I am feeling, and realise that they are not alone, then sharing these feelings with everyone will have been made worth while.

Missy xx


3 comments:

  1. I feel for u Marissa, tough times always seem to last an eternity, but things will get better. U might not see an answer and positivity, but it will come...Dealing with it will make u stronger ( and u already are), so hang in there! It is easy for me to say that, but it is the easy option to let go and give up. Life teaches us everyday, through good times and the worst times unfortunately, but what u will take out from it is knowledge of yourself and also how to cope and survive. U are releasing ur emotions when writing and i suppose it is a good coping process, I hope it helps u.
    Some might think what I say is S...t, but if support and positivity can help u I 'll b there.
    Hope 2 see u soon hun.
    Carole.xox

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  2. Marissa
    I have commented before, and know exactly how your feeling, and how hard it is to cope with a child that suffers with ADHD,amongst other things. It may sound corny, but you will find the inner strength and ability to deal and cope with your children. Unfortunately there is no magic wand that can wave all your problems away. Nor is there any firm support from any organisations out there (none that i have found anyway). The only thing i can say is that each child has there own unique way of reward/punishment. You will find ways to deal with them, and if i can suggest anything or offer help in anyway i'm always here. With our eldest it was a constant battle, and it has only been within the last year have we managed to get communications under way between us as parent/child. He used to dictate what he would & would not do, and we would in a way always bend to his way. But after reading hours of parental control, watching numerous videos on children with ADHD, did we find our unique way of dealing with our children. It may seem hard and unfair to some, but it works for us, and we lead a happy and content life. Dil still has his struggles each and everyday, but we work through them together. If you ever wanna talk, i'm here. You can never think your children would be better off without you, because they would not! I know it's exceptionally hard when you have children, but getting even an hour to yourself to unwind would benefit you sooo much, take care xxx
    Tasha xxx

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  3. it sounds like u are havin a tough time but to be honest maybe u shoulda thought about it more carefully when u decided on having so many children.sometimes one child is too much let alone four and some people are not cut out to hold a large family together especially on one wage and long hours,be that hours alone with the childrwn or hours at work for your partner,sounds to me like one or both of u is going to get ill or break down if things carry on.maybe u should see about counceling.

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