Who am I? To be honest, I'm starting to forget the answer to that question. Over the past few months I feel as though I have been fa...

Who am I?

To be honest, I'm starting to forget the answer to that question.

Over the past few months I feel as though I have been falling further away from who I am and am feeling taken for granted.

Don't get me wrong, I have NO regrets about my life. I love my family and would not be without them, so for anyone that is reading this and thinking/saying "well you should have thought about that before having so many kids" etc (and I know you are there) ...... Well you can forget it.
I love my kids, and although we have been unfortunate with the fact that there always seems to be something going on with 1 of them at any given time, such as illness and bad behaviour, they are my life.
I have no problem being 'mummy'. It is a privilege that some people don't get to experience, and I like to think that I am good at it.
It's just that sometimes I feel like that's all I am.

I have become the woman that has 5 children. The stay at home mum who cooks, cleans, does the school run, and a million and one other things that come with being a parent.
On top of that I am a carer. Responsible for looking after my special needs son, trying to protect him from the world and the horrible, single minded people that exist out there, while trying to allow him to grow up and have some independence.

I am a nappy changer, bottom wiper, clothes cleaner, food cooker, house cleaner, tear wiper, cuddle giver, organiser, and more.

My fear is that even my husband has started to forget who I am, and is only seeing me as the above, instead of Missy ....... Instead of his wife and lover I have become his house keeper. But then maybe it is like that for most people?

A lot of you are probably wondering if I am just feeling sorry for myself after the arrival of a new baby, and who knows, maybe that is part of it, but something inside of me says it goes deeper than that.

It's one of those horrible catch 22 situations.
I want to be mummy!
I don't want anyone else doing all of the things that mummy should do ...... But I also want to be me!!

I'm not just a mummy ...... I'm a woman. A woman who can't remember the last time she had any time to just be herself or spend time with her friends. Most of them probably think I can't be bothered, or don't care anymore, when really I would love nothing more than to go out for an evening, or even just for a coffee and a chat, instead of being chained to the house the whole time.

Not only do I feel like I am losing myself, but I was recently made to feel as though I shouldn't talk about things. That I shouldn't tell people how I am feeling, or post about my family life and my children, as it is leaving them open to horrible comments and questions from others.
Am I doing something wrong by expressing myself?
Should I be ashamed?
Do I have something to hide?

I refuse to feel like i should hide my feelings or that Boo having special needs should be treated like some dirty little secret that shouldn't be spoken about.
Why shouldn't I talk about it and share my experiences?

If I lose my 'voice' as well as my identity then I fear there will be nothing left of Missy at all.

No comments:

Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.